Humble.

Towards the end of 2007, I had an increased sense that this year was going to be a year of release, blessing & hope (especially compared to the darkness that seemed to pervade my life in 2007). To an extent, it has been - there has been some pretty significant doors that have opened this year, and doors that are still opening.

However, it seems that these doors have only opened as I've been humbled (both voluntary, and forced upon me). It seems that this year many things have gone wrong and not according to plan.

Projects that I've been involved with have either crashed & burned (and myself getting burnt with it), or are struggling to go anywhere. On a number of occasions, I've let some good people down. Thing's I'd hoped to accomplish are still on the 'to do' list. At the very least, it’s been embarrassing & frustrating. Increasingly, though, it’s becoming quite painful to deal with this failure, especially with a perfectionist personality such as my own.

Over the past few years, I’ve been getting more & more, to a point it was making me delusional. I became deceived as my dependence upon my own strength & wisdom overtook a conscious decision be in awe of God, and to trust in the power of His might. In my mind I had inflated my view of my skills, knowledge, wisdom, capabilities, character & strength.

As I look back over my behaviour, conduct & thinking over the past few years, I cringe at how much I’ve been deceived about myself.

As this realisation has been growing in my mind, the more it has hurt and has been humbling. I'm still working through it - sometimes wanting to gloss over the realisations that I’ve been having. Sometimes I've been dealing with it by isolating myself from people, too embarrassed to relate to them (especially if it involves people I’ve let down or have felt I’ve been acting proud around).

The real downer about pride is also that by neglecting to put my trust in God, I really lost my source of hope (and I suspect this led to my bout of depression last year). Instead of crying out to God, I trusted in a crumbling tower of imaginary strength.

One of the big deceptions that I swallowed was that to be free of weakness & bondage, we have to deal with the issue ourselves…in our own strength. There is a part truth in that (we do need to take responsibility for where we are at), but there is also a strong lie there too (we need to ask God to heal us, not we use our own wisdom to bring healing). I have been battling a number of burdens through-out my life – intimidation, fear, an inability to be close to people, and other issues. On many occasions, I’ve felt these issues have caused a “failure to launch” in my life, with many opportunities & potential joys in my life thwarted. There is a desire in my heart to be free from these things, but as swallowed this lie about how to be free, I became convinced that I would have to change myself, instead of letting God’s grace work in my life.

I deceived myself thinking that been puffed-up was the same as been ‘built-up’. I was trying to convince myself that I was strong, in-charge and alive. I’ve been inspired (maybe jealous?) by the intelligence & skills of a number of managers I’ve witnessed in the past few years, and for all intents & purposes, I wanted to be like them. But the weaknesses in my life prevented me from ‘attaining that level’, and I suspect it was from there that I started getting puffed up (something which is hard to resist when you work in a knowledge-intensive industry – Paul reminds us that “knowledge puffs up, but love builds up”).

One of the ways 2008 has been a blessing has been the way God has sovereignly & gracefully been ‘unwrapping’ the deception off my life. On a number of occasions, His light has been shining through, and His truth has been breaking the shackles. This has partly been through painful, pride-induced mistakes I’ve made. But it has also been through truths that He has been placing my way in recent months. One was from my mum, who said that the way we become strong & break free is by pressing into God. It took 3 seconds for mum to say that, but it’s been driving me for the past 6 months to get closer to God, to press-in, and to trust Him. It came as a significant relief to hear that – no more striving required!

The second was one Sunday I was listening to a speaker from Teen Challenge – the word he spoke seemed to break something significant in my heart. About a week before, I had again let down someone, and the pain was rather crippling. I think he was talking about the spirit of adoption – how God has adopted us as His own children. I cant remember it all, except the great sense of liberty & freedom. Interestingly, this freedom came as I gained a revelation about been a child – innocent, unassuming & humble.

Whilst I was having that revelation, I also began to see God has been good! I’ve had depression twice, and on both occasions I’ve noticed that I had the perception that God was cruel & harsh – that I had to perform to achieve His grace, that I had to be strictly obedient, or else He was going to crucify me on the spot!

[I should clarify something: obedience is vital. What I’m referring to is a willing heart, but where fears or other bondage become so daunting that I’m unable to function. An example in year 12, before I got depression for the first time, was I thought God wanted me to talk with a Christian at school about a prayer meeting we had been holding. I had an incorrect sense that God would punish me if I didn’t do that! But at the same time I was suffering very poor self-esteem – and as such I felt myself under such a burden of condemnation because I couldn’t achieve what I thought God was asking me to do. I think God wanted me to chat with this person, but it was NOT of Him that I felt a sense of condemnation. As such, God has been healing me of poor self-esteem to the point I’m now confident talking with CEOs and the like. But it was a progressive healing – it took time, and many hours of crying out that God would heal me.]

In April this year I felt depression was coming my way again, but it was soon after I saw God with clearer eyes, that he wasn’t harsh, and indeed exceptionally loving. The root of depression didn’t hold on for long, and as such I have not suffered from it much this year. That’s not to say I haven’t been grieved – I have been, and still am. In fact the grief seems to be growing rather than anything else, but I suspect its probably a good thing overall – much like a grieving process allows people to come through the loss of a loved one, I think this is a way of acknowledging my wrong, but coming through and fully trusting God.